You know when you just instantly connect with a person. Everything clicks, no explanation, no trying, it just happens. That was India for me.

I landed in Mumbai, backpack on my back, phone in hand and the beginning of my journey. No more spreadsheet living, this was the real deal.

It was a combination of overwhelm and excitement. It was the first time I had travelled by myself. I had to figure out how staying at a hostel was going to be like. I am not good with meeting people for first the time, I tend to retreat and hope to God that someone smiles at me and starts a conversation because I sure won’t. To do that, I would need to have a thirty minute, to an hour conversation in my head, encouraging myself just to say hello. It was one of my major concerns. When someone did talk to me, the bubbly, talkative side, would come out.

Mumbai

After a few days in Mumbai, I set out on my great adventure and started doing what I had come to do, take pictures. I had just walked out of my hostel, when I saw this man, who had a scarf around his head and a walking stick in his hand. I decided to stalk him a little bit, he walked past a bright yellow door and I quickly captured it.

That was my first “good picture”. My favourite thing about Mumbai, was its’ different sides. The amazing street food that incinerated your mouth, but kept you going in for more. The network of life in the slums in Dharvi, a city within a city. Then the affluent parts of Mumbai like Bandra, where people were walking their dogs without a care in the world.

While exploring all the different parts, I was taking all the opportunities I could to capture it all. I remember jumping into a Tuk Tuk and as I sat down, I spotted the reflection of the driver in the side mirror. I decided to be brave and take the picture. He smiled and I was grateful. Sometimes it doesn’t always work out that way.

The movement of the city felt as if it was nonstop. I love chaotic cities because they offer you so much. On one of the days I ventured to Colaba, to find out what the great allure, of the Gateway of India was. It was pure chaos, people everywhere, but in it, a small moment of stillness existed. A mother and son embracing. It felt like calm, in the middle of a storm.

Mumbai was mind blowing. It was the very first time I was doing what I wanted to do. In my mind, it meant everything that I did, had to have meaning. The pictures had to be great, because I gave up everything for this. I had to be brave all the time and take every single picture, because I gave up everything for this. It quickly got exhausting. I mean, I still loved waking up and being able to take the train and explore different parts of Mumbai. I loved the fact that I woke up and got to do what I loved. Reading this, it might seem like this was day one, but for me, it had been years of trying to figure it all out. My expectation was, when I got to Mumbai, my path was going to magically appear to me and a sense of knowing was going to rush over me. I mean, I had given up everything for this.

Exploring Rajasthan

After spending some time in Mumbai, it was time to move on and I had decided explore the state of Rajasthan. It felt like I was in a movie. The architecture, the people, the surroundings and my gosh the food.

To travel is to see. My mind was expanding.

Udaipur

Udaipur felt different. It was, way calmer than Mumbai and felt flat after all that chaos. My first night in Udaipur, I remember I had a dream that I was fighting with one of my buying managers. It was about a handkerchief that I had wanted to add into the range but they were not allowing me to. I was so frustrated in that dream. I woke up, holding my chest, telling myself it was ok, it was just a dream and I was not there anymore. I hadn’t realised how it had impacted my psyche. I mean writing this now, it sounds a bit silly. Being distraught over an argument about a handkerchief. I guess it represented the amount of unnecessary stress I went through. After that dream I was even more inspired to hit the streets.

I met a few people during my time there. One of them however was a very shady man. Who disguised himself as someone wanting to help me understand chakra meditation but in actual fact, all he wanted was to get touchy feely. It was a lesson that you need to follow your gut and stop making excuses for people. I kept on giving him the benefit of the doubt because of what he had shared and what he had helped me with. One, was dropping me off at one of the best Thali restaurants in Udaipur. Two, he had told me about the benefits of Vipassna. Three, he had shared stories about his life, with his ex wife and kids in Paris and how he had to come back because he struggled to assimilate. On the day of the lesson, his true colours came out and I quickly got myself out of there. My gut told me that something was not right but I ignored it and went along because I had felt lost and thought this was the guidance I needed. After that experience I left Udaipur and hopped on a bus to Bundi.

Bundi

What caught my eye as the bus entered Bundi ,was I how the men dressed. White clothing with bright, extraordinary turbans. My love for fashion was lighting up.

One memory that sticks out, was when I stayed in a home stay and got a room by the door. I had forgotten to switch off the lights in my room when I went out for dinner. When I got back I was attacked, by what felt like a hundred crickets. The next morning when I was telling people the story about what I had gone through, everyone thought I was talking about the sport and not the insect. I soon realised this was a me problem. I had to learn to be one with the crickets and also insure, I do not leave my lights on. I spent a few days in the small town but there was not much going on and so I headed to Pushkar.

Pushkar

I arrived at night and tried to find my hostel through very narrow pathways. The streets were quiet, not at all giving away the chaos it would bring the following day. It felt more like a tourist town in the morning. Tons of stores catered to selling macrame items to hippy tourists. Ladies offering to paint some henna on you. It was an interesting place but the heaviness of the pressure I was putting on myself, was catching up. I felt somewhat lost. My expectation of having figured everything out was weighing on me. I felt out of place. Traveling alone is no joke. There is no real escape from yourself and add the discomfort of being completely out of your comfort zone in the mix. I was twenty nine years old starting all over again and the people I met were twenty year olds, at the beginning adulthood. I was right in the thick of adulthood, starting from scratch and not really knowing what my path looked like. Comparison was running wild in my brain. It felt like a cold harsh look within. I did however meet these amazing group of girls which helped a bit. I am sure they wondered what was happening with me. I looked sad and lost.

Jodhpur

I really loved Jodphur. It had so much to offer and I met really nice people. There was more to explore and it felt quite vibrant which was a great distraction to what I was feeling. I few things in my life were bubbling up to the surface and I felt I had to examine them. I thought the best thing to do was go and do Vipassna meditation. I needed some clarity and silence. Ten days of no phone, no books and no journaling, sounded like the best medicine. Just you and you. Vipassana consisted of total silence and meditating three times a day. One early morning at 5am, then midday and the last one in the evening. The first five days were the hardest but after that, you got to the juicy part. You experience a different understanding to things. The biggest one for me, was understanding that when it comes to our thoughts, we cause most of our own suffering. We form attachments to certain outcomes, and when they don’t turn out the way we want them to, we end up in a place of despair. I am still learning this. It was the best thing to do, I didn’t walk out miraculously healed but I did walk out with certain realizations. It helped me understand that sometimes, it’s in my head and I am the one creating the story which intern causes the suffering.

After leaving the meditation centre I spent a little bit more time in Jodhpur. One day I stumbled onto this amazing places where people were swimming. I loved so many things that the below images represented. The creativity and ingenuity of human beings. How sometimes to be brave we need help first. How when we know that is safe and possible, we feel free to take the leap ourselves.

Agra, New Delhi and Dharamkot

I only went to Agra to see the Taj Mahal and that was it. It didn’t feel safe. I was there for just one night and jumped on a bus to New Delhi the next morning. There wasn’t any plan, I was going to figure things out, as I went along. While I was getting some street food, I started talking to fellow travellers. A brother and sister, we hit it off and I found myself spending time with them in Delhi. It was nice and quite pleasant. As for Delhi itself, it was not for me. It was time to get to the north. After spending so much time in chaotic and extremely hot cities. I needed the calm and coolness that Dharamkot could offer.

I had a beautiful experience in Dharamkot , but I found myself struggling to spend time with people, just for the sake of not wanting to be alone. On one night I found a quiet restaurant close to where I was staying. I told the owner I would eat upstairs and as I walked up, I saw that there was a lady sitting at the table, reading a book. I greeted and asked if I could sit outside with her. It was a beautiful night, a full moon. We started talking and clicked right away. We spoke about everything. She told me she was a writer, who used to write for Elle magazine India and was based in Mumbai. She had also just completed Vipassana and so we spoke about our different experiences. That was a nice night, it was easy. I really love it when that happens. It’s such a beautiful experience, it taught me that when it is right, it feels light.

Varanasi

After leaving Dharamkot, I went to Varanasi to better understand death or maybe let’s say confront life and death. You cannot ignore it in Varanasi, it’s right there in your face. It felt different there, not eerie, just silent. It was as if it was bare. Maybe because for me the only time I had experienced death was when a family member had passed away and I had to attend the funeral. The only time I had an intimate experience with death was when my mother passed away. It always seemed that death was a hidden, members only experience. Not in Varanasi. As I walked alongside the river Ganga and went into where the bodies lay before they were cremated, it didn’t feel macabre, it just felt real. It was the cycle of life really. You enter this earth, you do the best you can and you depart. Life. One of my favourite experiencesi was witnessing the Ganga Aarti ceremony. What stood out, was the calm of the movements performed by the priests. It felt like a prayer.

On the bus drive leaving India, I thought about everything that I had experienced and learnt. I was overcome with so much emotion, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I didn’t know until then how much I had loved my time in India. It was meant to be about photography but it turned out to be more of a spiritual and healing journey.

First Stop India